<p>Ashton Kutcher is in stable condition after being rescued by Police from Trump Tower, where he was bound to a chair. "I was just on my way to work like usual. My task for the day was to let America know it'd been Punk'd, and that Donald Trump wasn't actually running for President," said Kutcher, "when suddenly Chris Christie came out of nowhere, and put a bag over my head, and dragged me to Trump Tower." </p>
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